- Jesus I hate myself
- February 10th, 2011
So I know I didn't write yesterday but there is nothing really exciting going on in my life at this point. I have been extreamly hard on myself latley and I don't even feel like socializing with anyone...at all. I feel like I have truly honestly ruined my life. This is going to be a long story so fasten your seatbelts. Well first of all as you all know I am in the process of getting a divorce, I was with my husband for 6 years and married for almost 3 of those 6. My marriage was rough and my husband was repulsed by me, now when my husband and I got married we had sex on our honey moon and that was it for our 3 years of marriage. He told me the thought of sex repulsed him and sounded like a chore...so that was an aspect in my marriage that I had to live without, he was an alcoholic and addicted to vicodine. He was a violent mean drunk and has put me down day after day telling me that I'm fat and ugly, gross and disgusting. After a while a person starts to believe these things when they hear it on a day to day basis.
I didn't think of myself as fat since I was at one point 200 poundsI thought it was a big acheievement to lost over 80 pounds but that still wasn't good enough for Chris (Chris is my husband) Our whole life consited of him playing video games every day all day long, I was the only one that worked a full time job as well as come home and cook and clean. Anyhow, I met Brian in June of 2010, I have known of him because his mom was my boss but he's a maniac for bikes, dirt bikes, motorcycles and everything and he used to race dirt bikes. Well anyhow he moved in with his parents when his wife left him and he lost his house. Well anyway his mom always knew it was my goal to ride a motorcycle before I die and Brian happened to have one so he offered to take me for a ride. Well to make a longer story a little shorter we started to hang out for a while just as friends. Well I never really have been a big fan of his mom due to the fact that I worked for her for 5 years and I knew how she was towards people. Anyway Brian and I started talking and getting to know one another and it was like an instant spark.
Well his birthday is July 3rd and that was the day we started seeing one another, now yes I was still with my husband at the time and I did do a horrible thing and cheated on my husband when I met Brian. Anyway I moved out of the house and in with Brian and his parents on July 8th things weren't the best living at his parents but we were together. Sooo anyway, all the time I was with my husband I wanted a child really bad but never got it...then in August Brian and I found out we were pregnant. That was hard all in its-self but knowing the situation we were in, there was no way we could bring a child into this world so we opted to get an abortion a week before thanksgiving. That was very difficult on the both of us. But I think more so on me than on him because once his mom found out she had to constantly bring it up everyday at work. Well the day before thanksgiving I left Brian I took off and was walking down the street at 12 at night.
That's how I ended up at my parents and it's been hard for him and I both. It sucks being stuck in a house with 6 other people and my sister being pregnant and soon to be 7 people. I love Brian more than anything in this world and I hate myself for what I did to us right now and I just hope someday soon we can get through this and move on and have our place together and live our lives with one another. But now that you are all caught up on everything I think I'm gonna go cry myself to sleep. Untile next time!