Jesus I hate myself
amandabre0703
                                       So I know I didn't write yesterday but there is nothing really exciting going on in my life at this point. I have been extreamly hard on myself latley and I don't even feel like socializing with anyone...at all. I feel like I have truly honestly ruined my life. This is going to be a long story so fasten your seatbelts. Well first of all as you all know I am in the process of getting a divorce, I was with my husband for 6 years and married for almost 3 of those 6. My marriage was rough and my husband was repulsed by me, now when my husband and I got married we had sex on our honey moon and that was it for our 3 years of marriage. He told me the thought of sex repulsed him and sounded like a chore...so that was an aspect in my marriage that I had to live without, he was an alcoholic and addicted to vicodine. He was a violent mean drunk and has put me down day after day telling me that I'm fat and ugly, gross and disgusting. After a while a person starts to believe these things when they hear it on a day to day basis.
                                           I didn't think of myself as fat since I was at one point 200 poundsI thought it was a big acheievement to lost over 80 pounds but that still wasn't good enough for Chris (Chris is my husband) Our whole life consited of him playing video games every day all day long, I was the only one that worked a full time job as well as come home and cook and clean. Anyhow, I met Brian in June of 2010, I have known of him because his mom was my boss but he's a maniac for bikes, dirt bikes, motorcycles and everything and he used to race dirt bikes. Well anyhow he moved in with his parents when his wife left him and he lost his house. Well anyway his mom always knew it was my goal to ride a motorcycle before I die and Brian happened to have one so he offered to take me for a ride. Well to make a longer story a little shorter we started to hang out for a while just as friends. Well I never really have been a big fan of his mom due to the fact that I worked for her for 5 years and I knew how she was towards people. Anyway Brian and I started talking and getting to know one another and it was like an instant spark. 
                                          Well his birthday is July 3rd and that was the day we started seeing one another, now yes I was still with my husband at the time and I did do a horrible thing and cheated on my husband when I met Brian. Anyway I moved out of the house and in with Brian and his parents on July 8th things weren't the best living at his parents but we were together. Sooo anyway, all the time I was with my husband I wanted a child really bad but never got it...then in August Brian and I found out we were pregnant. That was hard all in its-self but knowing the situation we were in, there was no way we could bring a child into this world so we opted to get an abortion a week before thanksgiving. That was very difficult on the both of us. But I think more so on me than on him because once his mom found out she had to constantly bring it up everyday at work. Well the day before thanksgiving I left Brian I took off and was walking down the street at 12 at night.
                                  That's how I ended up at my parents and it's been hard for him and I both. It sucks being stuck in a house with 6 other people and my sister being pregnant and soon to be 7 people. I love Brian more than anything in this world and I hate myself for what I did to us right now and I just hope someday soon we can get through this and move on and have our place together and live our lives with one another. But now that you are all caught up on everything I think I'm gonna go cry myself to sleep. Untile next time!

Amanda


Ugh it just gets harder and harder...
amandabre0703
Well, I was able to see Brian this weekend and it was great, he came down Thursday and just left today (Monday) and I swear it gets harder to say good bye to him every weekend. I cant wait to get out of this hell of  a situation I am in, I can't stand living with my parents anymore. I love my family to death but my mom is quite an interesting person, I think she hates me to be honest. It's like everytime someone goes somewhere they don't even have the courage to tell me they are leaving. I don't know maybe they think I will want to go with them if they tell me that they are leaving. Oh well, I can't do much about it and it's not going to do me any good at all to tell you all about it either. But anyhow, this weekend was fantastic since I was able to spend time with the most wonderful man in the world. We had my sister's baby shower saturday, it was ok but not what I would have expected it to be. Brian and I were able to spend some alone time together this weekend, not a whole lot but there was some. I just cant wait until I get to leave this house and be with him for good. Well, anyway I won't bore you with anymore of my not so exciting events for the weekend. Until next time!!
Amanda


ughh...
amandabre0703

 

 It's 3:30 a.m. right now I was laying in bed and the light bulb in the ceiling light just exploded on me ugh

Ahh, more drama un-folds...
amandabre0703

I hate when the days seem to drag on and on and they do so everyday until I get to see Brain and then they go by so fast I don't feel like I have a chance to enjoy him. Well to start things off, I don't think I will get a chance to see him this weekend since his lovely parents want to bitch about the fact that he comes down here on the weekends. I know his mom doesn't like me but the bitch needs to get over the fact that I am his girlfriend. Thursday we will be together for 8 months and it's been the best 8 months of my life. Well on another note, more drama has un-folded today in the house with Lisa and Mom about the bills, I am so tired of all the crap between them and it seems like everytime they have an argument they feel the need to try to stick me in the middle of it. Someone please help me...until next time!!
Amanda



I can't wait...
amandabre0703
Well last night was great, I talked to Brian for like 3 hours on the phone and we talked about EVERYTHING and we got a lot off our chest about the things we aren't to happy with in our relationship. He thought that I was upset with him for being with his friends and it's like I explained to him I was not upset about it I was upset that I was pushed to the side. We both understand the fact that there is a big strain on our relationship being so far apart. To go from living together and being together all the time to me living in Kentucky and him in Ohio. But anyhow I feel so much better about our talk and I got a lot of things off my chest that I needed to. One of the hard things for us to talk about was the abortion. We both know it was the right decision givin our situation it would have been a little difficult to bring a child in the world. He knew it was hard for me but he didn't realize that it is very hard for me, espically being here with my sister living here as well and her being pregnant makes it even harder for me. Now, on that note I can not wait for my little nephew to get here, I am excited to see him and hold him. I have four nephews but I only get to see one right now. Ayden is my sisters step-son and he is absolutly the most loving little man I have ever met and he loves his Aunt Manda. Yesterday I took the little guy outside with me since it was in the 60's and the sun was out and it was a beautiful day and he just sat on the swing with me. He's only a year old but he is way ahead of his years. I love my family and I can't wait to meet little Noah. But I think that's all for now...until next time!!
Amanda


Ugh...
amandabre0703
Well I finally was able to talk to Brian for like a matter of 5 minutes today but I guess that's better than nothing at all. Everyone was out of the house so I decided I would clean the house from top to bottom as well as make dinner. Well as nice as that sounds it was fun for me, I love to turn on the radio and clean as long as I am alone. Well...I cooked dinner to early everyone said they would be home by 7:30 and it's now 8 and dinner has gone cold and I burnt the desert...I should have paid more attention to the time while I was cleaning. Now that everything is done  I'm all alone and bored out of my mind. I never realized until now that I am one of those people I need to have someone around me all the time because I get so bored and depressed it's insane. I always knew I was a very social person but I thought I would enjoy the alone time...I miss my family I want them to come home already. I love the family dinners and just hanging out with them watching TV. I have a wonderful family, it hasn't always been that way but now that I am 23 and have been on my own since I was 18 I think my parents finally realize I am an adult. So, now as I sit here and tell you all about my oh so boring day with the radio playing in the back ground I can't help but to feel even more alone. I really wish Brian was here with me so we could dance have a few beers and smoke a little and just be alone and happy together. I love to dance with him I feel so safe in his arms and I love knowing that he really does love me despite my paranoia I know he does. I don't know why I am so paranoid, maybe it has something to do with being hurt my whole life I don't know who to trust anymore. I always said I would never fall in-love again after my husband but man was I wrong. That's all for now. Until next time!!
Amanda


Shitty day already...
amandabre0703

I havent even been awake an hour and my day has already started off like shit. I love Brian more than anything in this world but sometimes he irritates me. I don't think he really understands how he comes off like a butt-head sometimes but he does. I knew he was going to him friend Jim's house to watch the race and I wanted to watch it as well and I asked him to call me and remind me it was on. Well he didn't then when I tried to call him after I woke up and the race was half over (I forgot he was at Jim's I just woke up). But, when I called he could have atleast answered and reminded me he was at Jim's and couldn't talk instead of ignoring my call. I feel like when a person does that they have something to hide, he could have text me and said he was there or something instead of totaly ignoring me all together. Well anyway, I finished watching the end of the race James Stewart won by the way. I don't know maybe I am just looking to much into it. I don't expect Brian to not go to his friends or to go out but I also don't want him to forget the fact that he has a girlfriend as well. I know in my heart he really does love me, sometimes I feel like he has a hard way of showing it though. I know a lot of it might be becaus I am stuck in the house 24/7 without a way to go out if I choose to do so. I don't mind that Brian has my car, I would rather he use it to come down here but sometimes I would like to go out and do things too. I am the kind of person I like to live my life spur of the moment because tomorrow is no guarentee. But being stuck in this house day in and day out I don't feel like I can do that. Maybe I should just go back to bed and sleep the rest of the day away and hope tomorrow will be better...but I can't do that because I don't even have a bed room HA. My bed room is in the living room on the couch...fun fun. Ok I am done complaining. I'll write later today if my day goes better. Until next time!!
Amanda



Never a dull moment
amandabre0703
Don't you ever wonder why life is so chaotic? I do, as it turns out the drama doesn't stop now we have a massive pipe leak in the basement and now we are going to end up with no water since we cant call a plumber. I talked to Brian a couple times since he left I know he has a long drive infront of him when he leaves and 6 hours is a long time to wait for someone to talk to. I miss him, I hate being a grown up...:-(


All good things come to an end...
amandabre0703

 

... let the depression begin. Tuesday was the best way to start my week the love of my life came early Tuesday and now it's Saturday and he had to go back home. That's the hardest part of my whole week is knowing that at the end of the week I have to say good bye, and one would think I would be used to it by now but I'm not. I think it gets harder and harder each week without being able to wake up next to him in the morning. This man is my life and even with my marriage it never hurt this bad to be away from my husband. I know there were good times in my marriage but nothing that can compare to the way Brian makes me feel. I have never loved someone so much in my life.  It may not seem like we get to do much while he is here but we can spend time together. Since we don't really get much as far as privacy is concerned we decided to go Tuesday night and get a hotel and spend some quality alone time together. God I wouldn't change that night for all the money in the world.

Now, onto another depressing note, I got up this morning and before Brian left we went outside to smoke a cigarette and I had to use the rest-room and I left Brian outside because I had to pee and when I came in I saw mom and told her good morning, well she had nothing to say back but slam her cup on the table and started yelling I thought she was yelling at me until I actually decided to listen to what she was talking about. Well to make a long story short as with most families they try to start trouble and as it turns out my horrible excuse of an Aunt decided to tell my mom how bad and terrible of a mother my mom is. That of course infuriated me but yet my mom wont let me say anything about it and let them have it. So I don't know to me my family is the most important thing and I get so mad when people intentionally try to hurt them. I tried to calm mom down and offer for her to come smoke pot with me but she wouldn't do it lol, she said she's to old for that now. But I guess I am done boring you with the details of my life...until next time!

Amanda


Pathetic attempt
amandabre0703
Well, I put up new pictures at my pathetic attempt to make myself look good for my man...let me know what you think.

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